Because I care for myself a little more than I know what the other person is going through? Because I loudly celebrate the sweet relief of having the universe being positive to me at least this once? Because I cannot believe that the dark days are finally over? Because I chose to make certain rules and live by them? Because I can walk out when I am tired or uninterested?
“Tell me please, would you one time let me be myself,” are my go to lyrics from the song by 3 Doors Down when I feel that I deserve to live by my choices. Regardless of how rigid they sound. Regardless of how uncommon they appear. Regardless of the discomfort it would give the people around. Regardless of how weird I would seem or sound. I am not trying to dismiss the existence of other people in my life, I am just trying to be happy. Please just let me be me.
I have always felt a little off around people. Some sort of anxiety and contrary to how it may appear, I am the odd goose in the crowd. At least for a long time I was, until I learnt to be adaptable. Until I felt that the voice of the next person was more important and made more sense. I don’t deny that they do, but why would I not have an opinion because mine would make a disagreement with the next person? So I was quiet and agreed with everyone but silently knew exactly what I felt, so I was silent and it irritated me.
I never knew I mattered unless I agreed with the popular opinion. My greatest downfalls I kept to myself, well, because I was always the good girl and I had it all under control. I would always impress everyone and they loved me for it, it felt nice because, who doesn’t want to be loved? And in the lyrics to the song let me be myself, “I guess I just got lost, being someone else,” have never rung truer. Because I did. I was lost not knowing who I am anymore.
To change that, I decided to isolate. I decided to drift away into a place that I could be myself. A place where no one would judge me. A place where I could be wrong and no one would care. A place that I could have my unpopular opinions and be comfortable in it. I decided that I was to be alone so I could be myself and it turned out great. I got peace of mind and I loved it. Fortunately the universe knew I wasn’t doing myself a favor by being happy in this solitude and got people outside my shell watching. They loved this girl. Who is this girl? They wanted to know and so I let them in and it was all great.
Unfortunately, just like other human beings, I am imperfect, yet never knew that what I thought were my strengths were my imperfections. I live my life in a certain way that lives people either in awe or disbelief that my existence is impossible. No, I am not saying mine is the perfect life, it is just that you would find that what I consider fun is too rigid or too out of place to be enjoyed. A tiny relief would set off a wild celebration that I would go on about. Unfortunately, it irks others. One was bold enough to say it. “You have a main character syndrome.” Am I happy of my achievements? Yes I am. Do I want to be someone else? Not a chance. Am I happy when others are wrong? Definitely not. And if it seems so it is purely unintentional and clearly I am aloof.
Well, it is never my intention make anyone unhappy. It is never my intention to be selfish. I wish I knew a way that I would compensate for my shortcomings, but I have a feeling the best cause of action is to accept my flawed self. Now that I know how it would make other people feel I could also compromise, but one thing I ask is that I could be myself. Just this once. I came back and found myself. Let me be myself so I could shine with my own light.