I hate who I have become. In fact I hate myself for it. It is not the universe that has done this to me. It is me. I chose this path and I admit that I lack self-control. I lack restraint. I can no longer convince myself that it is part of being liberal. It is a danger, a risk. I feel like I am walking on broken glass barefoot. It doesn’t hurt at the moment but I kid you not it bleeds. I hate it here. I want to change my life but I am stuck. It is unpredictable, whenever I think I am over it, it comes back to remind me that I am nothing. I think I am a sick person.
One of the hardest things to do is admitting that you have a problem. It is in our nature to lie to ourselves that we got everything under control. We always have excuses for what we do and try to prove to the world that we are aware of our actions and made the decisions consciously. Only, in real sense we are hurting deep down. I am currently in this boat. In the beginning I was telling myself that I am okay and I as long as I am not affecting anyone and not feeling bad about myself. Truth be told, I am beginning to slowly hate myself for it. I don’t know why and how I ended up that way but I would like to change that. Clearly I am too ashamed and embarrassed to say exactly what it is but you get the drift. Addiction is bad.
Addiction is like a spell that has been cast upon you. It feels like something beyond your control. In the lyrics of Daughtry’s Break the Spell, it is like a moth into a flame. An attraction to something shiny with the lie that it would give you fulfillment when you get into it. Well, it does not. Instead it leaves a hollow feeling inside you. A regret that you try finding an excuse to justify your actions. It is like the feeling you get after watching porn. Almost similar to a postnut clarity, only filled with self-loathing and emptiness. The feeling that you want to tie a noose around your neck and kill the person you have become.
Some people are addicted to drugs and alcohol, others are addicted to sex and some are addicted to bad relationships. All these addictions have adverse effects. They destroy who we are. Their high is temporary and after that we can no longer live without. It is fun at first until we can no longer let it go. Until it becomes our way of life. Until it is imprinted deep under our skin.
Our addictions not only affects our physical nature but also our mental health. The guilt that might eat us up to the core of our sanity. We hide in shame of the temporary fixes that we thought would make us feel better. It is okay to have fun. It is okay to have a beer or two, it is okay to enjoy sex as long as we do not make it control who we are.
Listening to this song by Daughtry made me realize that there are a lot of things we get stuck on yet are unhealthy to both our mental and physical health. We are afraid of losing things that have become habitual to us. We crown them as our pastime because we are ashamed to admit that they are adversaries of our well-being. An addicted gambler will call it fun and an adrenaline rush as they flush down their possessions. A sex addicted will call him or herself liberated before they fall into a pit of dangerous sexual misdemeanors. A drug addict will enjoy the little moments of high before they are all dried out mentally, physically and in possession. A man or a woman will call emotional blackmail love until they return home in a box from marital violence.
When we get to a point that we are afraid to lose our dangerous highs because we call them, “who we are,” we should realize that we are goners and try to find our ways back. The lyrics, “I would fight you to the end, but I will lose you if I win so I guess I will just keep on giving in to you” are the part of this song that best describes how we find our way back to our wayward behaviors. It is hard to part ways with things that we have become used to but at what point are we willing to show love to ourselves?