“I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head.” I know you care, but the feeling of inadequacy wouldn’t let me be. So I have to pack up and move so far away that I may never cross your mind. That you will not feel the need to care, or worry that I might not be okay. I’d love for you to not only forget me, but also hate me.
“Hate me in ways, ways hard to swallow, hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you.” I’m stuck in an existential loop that will keep making you feel the need to care. I think too much, I am in my head longer than I am supposed to be. The voices in my head are unkind to me. They always turn my smile into a frown. They won’t let me be happy, they always question everything I do. They always ask me why I think I deserve to be happy, so I need to run, as far away as possible. Before they become louder. I need to run from you, so that I can learn who I am and so that you may not care anymore.
I hope I am not a burden to you… hahaha, guess it’s too late to say that. Because I am already leaning in too much into you so that I may find solace and sanity. Isn’t it too much pressure to always pick me up from the gutter? To always be ready to send words of affirmation? To always darken the mood with my consistent negativity and paranoia? “Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you.”
So stuck in my head that I forget that life does not revolve around me and my internal struggles. That life is about coexisting with the ones the universe gave to me. “Hate me for things that I didn’t do for you”. Because I was selfish. I only thought of myself. That I had all the world’s problems and everyone else was okay, and if they said they weren’t they were fussing for nothing.
“Do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.” I tried. I think I did my best. But then I guess naturally I meant to be this big ball of bore. I want you not to think about me anymore. That I may find myself or better yet, get to where others like me went. We forgot about them and we are still okay. So you will also be.
I want to thank you for the times you held me up. I know I would go back down there and you will feel the need to bring me back, again. Then again, and again. So it will be an endless loop. Therefore I would prefer that you hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you.